so my plugs came. that will distract me long enough to stop feeling miserable.
i feel so goddam depressed now, for no particular reason. If I was forced to be honest, I'd say it was because of seeing Catherine and John together. Maybe it's because I'm pretty attracted to John, or else it's because it's like me and Catherine's sister Kay are alike in that we're both hideous attention whores.
In my heart there is a dark dark maw that aches wide open for the glimmering spotlight. it's like staring into a black hole. like one day my self-esteem collapsed on itself and created an implosion of cretinous codependence. so now i'm wholly dependent on what other people think of me.
it's too tiring to explain. or write out. i just want attention. i'm sorry. it's so ignoble. so cretinous. that's such a beautiful word. cretinous. that's what i am. a cretin.
a fucking schleb.
yeah that's probably it. i just want the attention of young attractive men. i want to be held and loved but at the same time i am repulsed by the idea. i don't want anyone to touch me. i can't even touch myself.
the only one i feel comfortable holding is emmanuel. him and only him for now and for eternity. that's the damn truth.
but i can't allow myself even that.
he's just my heroin, and i have to quit, and this empty loneliness is my withdrawal. that's all. i just have to think like that for now. i'm so terrifyingly sad.
i drove home today half in tears. i want to cry all the time.
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