burn it down

the sinking feeling again. i really need to start being one of those good buddhists. i still don't deserve to wear it proudly.

when me and catherine went to the red room, and he grabbed my ass i think it was like a wake up call, in a weird way.

I've been falling down those same stairs of infatuation, banging my head on the same steps, and still I feel like I'm not learning. Cookie started naming all the ways I change when I'm around him, and Friday affirmed it. I'm starting to lose myself again.

I'm not accomplishing enough. I'm not making these hats fast enough. I keep looking up at the sky, like I think it's going to rain, like some miracle will rise out from my hamper like Jesus resurrected.

I've got to work for this paycheck, god. damn it.

i'm not happy. i'm lost and confused. i want to stay in bed all day and dream, but all my dreams rush me to waking in the most horrible way. ah, night terrors. who needs an alarm clock?

I had to frog a whole hat the other day and start over. The thought still leaves me all hollow inside. It took me a week to get to where I was. Sigh.

Roll those sleeves up, I guess. Who wants to dwell? Who wants to dwell.

I really need to be single.