God But I'm consumed with so much heartrending emotion.

I don't understand why I can't feel normally about things, you know? Like there's always been and there always shall be so much going on inside my head, and I'm near to bursting. I want to scream out.

I don't know why I let my life get controlled by all these feelings. It's driving me mad, and I want to be above it all, but I'm not. I'm just not. :(

Ugh.

The cold and empty feeling comes right after. You drive home in a daze. I'm so confused still and yet so clear. I know all it's going to ever come to is disaster, and still I'm the tugboat in the wake of some larger ship, some larger shit. fuck me. Fuck me but he's so lovely.

in other news the charity fundraiser i helped organize was horribly successful, and for the first time in a long time i feel satisfied and accomplished about school and about my professional future. I'm learning how to deal with people's ridiculous ish in a professional setting, and man does it take all types of annoying and ridiculous shit to make an event huh.

Like old times.

Shake up the old shyness like old times. Break out the cold sweats, pour out all the tremors and the palpitations like they used to come when he used to come around.

When he comes around it hits me square in the gut and i'm an idiot again. all over again. like old times.