the restroom in the school library is a sauna. a gross fucking sauna. it's humid in there, and i feel i am breathing the warm collective steam of everyone's little shitbowl.

like a dog grooming parlor where the pooches get steambathed. fucking gross.

While in there I wondered if every life is a particular formula, or if every life has its particular forumulas, in which people are variables, in which fate is a constant, and the equation produces various amounts of happiness or hate or sex or what.

the toilet really is a spot for thinky-dinking.

dirty thinking.

even in the two weeks since i have picked up my paycheck, i have managed to spend some 350 dollars. almost. am clinging to thin principles like a dick to a condom.

I want red eyeshadow. Why is this so difficult to get??

Why do I want?

Waited some five hours for the boyfriend to get off work yesterday. he was supposed to get off at four, they kept him till 7. I had already gotten there at 1.

that's more like 6, isn't it?

but it was worth it, to be with him, and to make him a little happier at the end of his day. he worked nearly 12 hours for shit pay. that's like 96 dollars.

God knows if I worked a 12 hour shift at facepainting from 8 to 8 I prolly woulda made 200 or better. It's not fair, dude. I fucking facepaint.

He produces useful service to shitty customers. It really isn't fair.

But anyways I got intimate with the inner workings of the Galleria at Tyler in Riverside. I guess this is a pretty massive mall in Riverside. Judging by the stores in there and the availability and variety of products I'm going to go ahead and say that it's somewhere in between Main Place and South Coast, but definitely closer to Main Place. I probably walked through the mall's two floors four or five times and went into almost all of the stores except the puppy store which smells like a dingy beach restroom and is full of suffocated and half-dead pups nestled in shredded newspaper like broken porcelain figures at the Goodwill.

All in all spent six dollars which is pretty good considering I used to drop eighty dollars at the drop of a hat. Now spending six dollars on a hamburger seems an atrocious price to pay. I like my newfound sense of thrift. It validates me.

Bought a stick of rock candy, pellegrino, and a pair of 9 ft. shoelaces for the Docs Emmanuel bought me. Had no idea that twenty-eyes required such work and such huge amounts of string.

When I get home tonight I shall spend some time making those boots feel loved. Reminds me I have shoe polish and some moleskin left over. Contemplating buying one of those shoe sole things since the soles in mine seem like to blister my feet worse than the road to Golgotha.

I waaaant to see my boyfriend tomoorrroooowwwwww. :[

btw wondering if the human body is like a star or Io, largest moon of Jupiter, in which outer forces affect the inner forces deep inside us and therefore cause the myriad rifts and shifts on our geological planes much like tidal forces from Jupiter cause friction within Io's core and produces volcanic activity on its surface.

Would explain my whiteheads in any case.

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Ggggg. i have a speech to give in half an hour. there is a fleeting hum of trepidation in my belly, which is weird because i am used to speaking in front of large groups of people.

and i am not concerned over the quality of my speeches. it is dangerously good.

payday today. somehow the resolution i made about saving my cashes seems to wither away. :[

o capitalisme! comme c'est magnifique, comme c'est puissante!

at least the boyfriend is letting me pay for his textbook. this will give him some fifty dollars extra so he can buy something else he undoubtedly needs and lets him study harder and better so later he can pay me back with his ease of mind and his love and some burritos.

seriously his situation is making me sad. i want him to be glad and easy again, the way he was when he met me. it seemed that the stability of his job had given him free reign to be as silly and relaxed as he could be. now, some tension, some new problem, some busted bolt or thinning tread on his tires makes him seem so sad and stressed out.

Truthfully, EZ Lube does not pay enough for a kid trying to put his ass through school and manage bills at the same time. I wish he could find a better job, and if that means that I have to pay for some of his shit is an okay possiblity. I could do that.

I mean, if Tom can get paid 13 an hour doing tires at American Tires, then why does Emmanuel have to get paid the bare minimum working 40 hours a week? That's bullshit! :[ i just need things to be better for him. i want my happy monkey.

Had fantastic day today.

First woke up a bit angry at Emmanuel cuz he said something insensitive last night but it wore off by the time I got over to Riverside. We went to Mt. Rubidoux and climbed to the top (which is a hillside stroll compared to the hikes in Yosemite that I remember), and basically had a splendid and sweaty morning. Emmanuel of course had to do something to prove his virility and jumped from one rock to another, lost his balance and nearly fell to his death. :\ His arm got scratched up, the silly goose.

Well, not to his death, but you know.

We ate sandwiches for brunch and napped. Drove back to my house and slept/sexed for an hour while my dad was in the house. I think it thrilled him to be so near death.

Got tacos at the place Casian recommended. Pretty good. Paid in quarters cuz I'm broke as fuck. Drove Emmanuel back to Riverside where I couldn't leave him for an hour.

We talked about any number of topics, but the one that stuck was when we talked about me having sex with other people. I guess he thinks it's inevitable that I would sleep with other people, and that he sort of wanted me to go out and experience other things.

But I still feel that I can't do that to him. Even with his approval or whatever, it just seems too wrong, too selfish, too hurtful. Cuz you know you can say one thing, but when it comes down to it, it will hurt and hurt and.

Found out about summer school in Montreal. Sounds super interesting, kind of want to go for it. It's 1020 dollars for the whole thing not including traveling and spending expenses. There's supposedly a 600 dollar grant but I dunno.

Montreal! Such a fine city, of French and music and beauty and wonder! And I could see Ed? Oh wonders of wonders!

What if Emmanuel could come, and I could tuck him away in a box? He would love the Jazz Festival, I think. Oh wonders! WONDERS! lol.

Been reading up on transfer admissions stuff. I was lying abed the other night thinking, well where am I going? And I realized if I didn't fire off these emails and make these appointments and make these phone calls I would be going nowhere. Making nothing of myself.

Comme c'est rigoreux.

Is that a word? It sounds like it oughta be. Ai.

Hmmmmmmm. HMMMMMMM. HAAAAAMMMM. I exist in a place outside my brain. It seems like everyone accomplishes so much more than I do.

Today lab class was cut short so I decided I wanted to go to Riverside and surprise Emmanuel at work. He seemed very happy to see me :D We had some Del Taco (their tacos are so tasteless but whatever I was hungry and happy so it was ambrosia) and he talked to me about his paper and I made some suggestions. We cuddled awww. I only got to see him for a half hour but it was pretty worth it.

Made it back to school at around 1. Ran into TJ and chatted with her. We planned to meet up again at 3 but I didn't see her. :[ I don't have her number either but I guess I'll chat her up on Facebook.

While I was there I ran into John from Astronomy and we hung out while I was typing out a Geography assignment on Islam. Pretty cool.

After we saw the film on Islam in Geography today I started debating the nature of Islam with this old guy named Dave. He seemed pretty adamant that Islam was a violent faith.

I don't know what kind of point he was trying to make by pointing that out. I mean, no matter what kinds of things you point at Islam, you could turn right around and point it at Christianity.

Violence, I would argue, is not inherent in Islam, and it is not inherent in Christianity. It is inherent in human nature. Religion ought to be something that counteracts those animal instincts of people, raises them up, puts them beyond the simple fight for survival and elevates them to enlightenment for the greater good of the earth and stuff.

But shit don't pan out that way.

Anyway it was a friendly debate and afterwards I shook his hand and asked his name. Walked out to the car with Richard who is terribly clueless about the class. He wants to start some kind of geography study group with Arvin and stuff. I guess that would be okay, except I think I might be the only one who knew shit.

Kinda testifies to the kind of school CSULB is when you only attend class 2/3 of the time and still make the Dean's List. Shit's too easy, I guess. I gotta focus on self-embetterment. That's not a word, but it sounds better than the self-embitterment I put myself through currently.

My laptop crapped out on me too. More shit to handle, more shit to do. Have to jog tomorrow morning. Not so evil a prospect as it used to be.

Had really bizarre dreams last night about people dying and something about work and a very unusual scene in which Jose Ricardo was fingering me. That's kind of frightening because Jose Ricardo while being pretty cool is not the kind of guy I want to date or be fingered by. Bleh.

Anyways I'm rambling. Schwinggg

Shit. I think I just wrenched my back.

I'm only 19! And I can't bend over.. Ahhhhh.

been thinkin maybe the human heart grows cumbersome with time, till we can't turn about without cuffing somebody. i wonder if i can throw off these heavy coats of emotive nada and move through the room nimble and free, loving one and all in naked lightness, innocence.

don't want to hurt anybody. want to have a good opinion of myself but doin' so would mean I am like an eye, lookin' out on the world without lookin back on me. And that's unfair, that's building a tower up of myself. And that's not right, is it?

After I dropped off Catherine, I went to the Walgreens on Chapman and looked at makeup cuz you know, that's what I do. Anyways I spotted this bottle of green nailpolish, the perfectest emerald and realized I had no such color.

When did I hate the color green? I can't believe I never owned such a verdant varnish. Suffice to say at a price of 2 for 3 dollah I had to snatch it along with a blushing work-safe pink.

Pink and green, pink and green, these two colors have fueled me for the night. I have words to say, pictures to draw. I'm all 'spired for the evening darling.

Now if only I could work the crick out of my back. I want to jog tomorrow, shit. Can't hobble along like I'm older than mi madre.

I feel sort of light, like my chest is a breezy bramble of bone, and my heart an ember dangling. Fruitless.

I'll tell you about my day.

Class #1, Cultural Anthropology with Professor Eleanor Cross Harrison. The woman is filled with a kind of quiet passion, the kind you see exuding from dusty antique marvels in an attic. Much of the time though, she is rather incoherent and prone to babbling. It makes me feel kind of sad and guilty for being impatient with her, but there it is. She was saying something about kinship and marriage and incest taboos and exogamy and endogamy, ordinarily very fascinating topics, but man. She might have been recounting her last garage sale haul.

Class#2. Macroeconomics with the professor that could compete with an air horn. Impossible to not pay attention, which I guess is a good thing, and I have some tenuous grip on GDP, etc.

note: am loving how my classes kind of mesh together in a FACT sort of matter. Application of knowledge, et al. In geography, we'll be talking about GDP per capita in Brazil and how increased industrialization in South America is infringing on the lifestyles of the indigenous peoples, and then in cultural anthropology we'll be talking about the indigenous peoples, and so on! Fantasmic.

So at this point, it's after Class #2 and I decide to call Emmanuel's workplace to get a hold of him, because my heart is beating so and I started to cry in Class #2. Waited on the phone for ten minutes only to be told that he didn't pick up the the phone and had left. The slightly exasperated man on the phone tells me he might be back.

I proceed to panic.

I skipped my last class and drove to pick up my paycheck (measly 80 bucks, btw), then rushed to Riverside to Emmanuel's workplace. One of the employees tells me he hasn't come back, sorry ma'am, had been gone for an hour. He asked if I was related to Emmanuel. I said I was his girlfriend.

So I drove to RCC, in vain hope of maybe finding him. I walked through the library where he sometimes goes to do his homework, couldn't find him. At this point, I am a mess. I'm crying, I'm thinking mad thoughts. I cross the street three times thinking I should go back and search more thoroughly. I stop and realize that I'm acting a little bit crazy.

Okay, a lot crazy.

I mean, what kind of crazy girlfriend plot was I brewing? Was I thinking with my breasts or what?

I mean, the asshole slighted me. And here I am sniveling to make amends. Amends for WHAT?

I just. I get so angry. I get so despereately sad. I am. I don't know.

Drove home crying, half passing out from fatigue and crumpled up soggy notepad eyes. Went to the Verizon store to file a claim on my "dropped" phone.

I realized this morning I had thrown it so hard it had struck my digital camera and popped the batteries out of it.

So I came home, ate something cuz I was passing out, and then proceeded to pass out. Slept and cried in turns for about three hours. Talked to nice claims lady on the phone. Getting replacement on Friday.

Proceeded to transfer the photos and videos of Emmanuel and me onto my computer via email.

I love him.

Typing that seemed hard. I hate him sounds easier but more painful. I'm in such a flurry of emotion I can't compose myself.

I want to call a million times in a row.

I want to punch him in the face.

I want to fuck him.

I want to scream, and scream, and carve out an empty space, a bony alcove in my ribcage, and go to sleep there forever.