The Dangerous Twist

so had strange dream about the one back home. strangely satisfyingly and explicitly sexual in a way that woke me up all kinds of puzzled, like why in the world would make me dream that way? except maybe that i had some sheesha all curled up like a tongue in my lungs and it somehow evokes his memory in a curious fashion.

listening again to d. banhart. makes me all warm and fuzzled.

slower than slow here, as i've not even showered and it's 2:02 in the afternoon. everyone is already out with trista and i'm not particularly bothered about going. i'll shower and call them later. oh but what to wear hair and nails and all that jazzzzzz.

feeling oddly in a dream, as always but enhanced by the fact that i have uprooted myself completely from all that is real and all that is important in my life. i feel that nothing i do here is of real consequence, and so am freed.

i'm trying to remember emmanuel, all brown limbs and wild hair, all curled up against me like the way things used to be, that eternal feeling. i failed to remember it, and i sat there on my hard bed summoning up tears from my belly to water down that shameful emptiness.

que reste-t-il de nos amours?

an old picture, church bells, suitcase to a small town on a holiday last june. yes.

ahhhhhhhh i question the meaning of love. i question what it means to say you love someone, to say they complete you when it's so easy to drop it and run. when it's so easy to wake up feeling this kind of empty and this kind of free.

to feel this kind of small and meaningless. i'm a dust mote, i'm a gnat. i'm a human being with wants and wants and wants and nothing to need. and he and i, well we're just two lonely people, two great big empty maws with insatiable hunger.

fuck i used to be so innocent and i used to think that love contained the goodness in people but really it is the rumbling hunger of our hearts. it is the twang of need in the flitting feeling of our groins.

or is that lust. or is that love. or is love lust cushioned in the pity of god.

who knows anymore. i want smoke and i want pain. i want to stop and wake up for once. goddamn.