Breathe breathe breathe.
Okay.
Procrastinationz
In which my social life is amazing and in turns amazingly depressing. And in which my school life suffers something horrible because I can't bring myself to give a shit.
I should be doing my french stuff. And my chinese stuff. And writing a ten-page paper. But there's so many millions of miles of things all up in my brain just jostling. it's not even noon and I've smoked maybe four cigarettes. Not really helping my cough. My liver hurts.
I'm wearing a sparkly cardigan, though, from the 90's, and it's so lovely it makes everything better. One of those outfits I tend to come up with the night before, and I get so excited about them I can't really sleep.
I really enjoy my mornings in French class. I show up a half hour late, but I get to smoke outside with the literature majors who are just the loveliest boys. I love Omar; he's so fucked up on the inside, and every time I see him there's some new lovely surprise about his super-fucked life.
I'd be with him in a heartbeat, but man if he isn't a bag of drowned kittens I'd rather not look into.
But our misery matches, and every explanation is coupled with an "I get it" or "I feel that way too." Man, if only he didn't look like a Lebanese Ellen Degeneres.
Anyway, been meeting up with the loveliest people all week for such good times. Drinking pretty much daily; trying to build up my tolerance for when I am abroad as I'd like not to end up in the hospital for trying to keep up with Dutch giantesses. Again. Laughing and joking and making so many grand plans; it's so good to be young. Supposed to go to Boiling Crab on Thursday, par exemple, or to Fullerton for happy hour soon. With Rogelio, who is such a laugh, and Memo and Serge. Oh my goodness what a night.
Unless it gets awkward and Memo starts crying because I say something horrible and insensitive. Again. I would. :(
But anyway, in the face of all that great good socializing, my coursework (month's work of chinese and french, 10 page paper on border conflicts due Wednesday) looks like walking into an Iron Maiden. With extra long spikes. Painted in venom.
God But I'm consumed with so much heartrending emotion.
Ugh.
The cold and empty feeling comes right after. You drive home in a daze. I'm so confused still and yet so clear. I know all it's going to ever come to is disaster, and still I'm the tugboat in the wake of some larger ship, some larger shit. fuck me. Fuck me but he's so lovely.
Like old times.
Shake up the old shyness like old times. Break out the cold sweats, pour out all the tremors and the palpitations like they used to come when he used to come around.
When he comes around it hits me square in the gut and i'm an idiot again. all over again. like old times.
burn it down
the sinking feeling again. i really need to start being one of those good buddhists. i still don't deserve to wear it proudly.
I've been knitting the wrong way this whole time.
Hm. I was halfway through the hat already. Halfway! Probably the fasted I've knitted anything, really. Probably on account of the fact that I was so excited about making cables :P
cable needle.
UGH I just got a cable needle. I've been going through all these cable beanie patterns and it's like being dipped in chocolate and gold flakes. MMMMM i'm in heaven.
i'm beginning to feel my backfat.
BACKFAT. Like hairless moles furrowing together down my spine. MMMMM.